THE BIGGEST BULLSHIT ARTIST

You'd be surprised how much bullshit we believe, and not just the bullshit we are fed on a regular basis, but, the bullshit we believe about ourselves. It's a sort of self victimization, where we have a hard time accepting certain situations or circumstances, that honestly, are self created. Talib Kweli did an album with Madlib, entitled Liberation, and on this album, there's a song called, Over the Counter. In this song Kweli has a line that goes, "Get used to the prison I built for myself, all true and livin/ So I rap to put food in the kitchen, C'mon". That verse as a whole, resonated with me deeply, but, that line itself spoke mounds to where I am in life. I am under no illusions about my life, and my situation. Much of where I am now, is a result of decisions made in the past, by none other than me. Sure, there were things that happened to me, that I did not endorse or could not completely be responsible for, however, some degree of that situation could be traced back to a decision I made at some point in my life.

I used to be so angry. Disgruntled, and just, dissatisfied with life. It was as if, life, had dealt me a bad hand, and was determined to keep me under it's thumb. I was unhappy, depressed, and felt disenfranchised, because often times, it seemed as if the pressure would not let up. In a way, I could be somewhat justified by that thought, to a certain degree, if given the circumstances and situations related to upbringing, however, once past a certain age, you develop responsibility for yourself, and thus make choices accordingly. Even if a person is 14 or 16, and still living at home, if you make a bad decision, regardless of upbringing, its completely on you. The choice is always yours. We have become so accustomed to being victims, and using excuses for why we are how we are, and why we do what we do. The truth is, every time your faced with a decision, you have a choice, a clear concise choice to make. You can continue in the same vein, that your current situation had placed you, or, you can choose to change. You are not responsible for things happening to you, but, it does not offer an excuse to be a certain way because of what happened. I had to realize, that there were certain decisions that led me to the point in my life, where I had become so unhappy. I had to accept the weight of choices, I made. This is a hard pill to swallow, believe me when I tell you. It is hard to accept. You have to be real with yourself, and accept the truth about yourself, good or bad.

We all have friends, or people around us, that will tell us that we are victims and that they understand. They will agree and say, it isn't your fault. These people will side with you in your story, because, they want to be the victim as well, and by siding with them, maybe you'll side with them, in their self generated pain. Don't get me wrong, there are those who completely get the shit end of the stick, for this, I cannot apply this idea. However, for the average person, they are creating an environment that does not give way to change, yet they will complain, that things won't change. Being a victim is easy, because, you only have to let something happen to you, and then use that experience as an excuse. Something has to change. Maybe that change is you. The stories that we tell ourselves, are the same stories that we tell others, and eventually they become the stories we believe. The lie, we tell ourselves, becomes the lie we ultimately believe, yet in all of this there is a truth you hide from. The truth could be, that you're gay, so you compensate, by sleeping with tons of women and acting overtly mannish, to hide from that. The truth could be you, that you are lazy, but you compensate, by pointing out how lazy other people are, so people won't notice your actual laziness. Or, the truth could be, you were a selfish asshole in your relationship, and instead of changing how you were, you blamed your partner, and say they couldn't understand you. You have to step outside of the nest, you have built for yourself, and see the situation from all angles, to realize the wrongs. You have to step outside of yourself.

Stripping away the layers of bullshit, that build up over the years, is a difficult task, and can become quite depressing. The reason it happens, is because, you sit down and analyze your life, and begin to see the patterns....and how much, is actually your fault, due to bad decisions, misunderstanding, selfishness, arrogance, etc. As I said before, it is a very hard pill to swallow. Some people, will start this process, but, quickly cave in and deny responsibility for the actions, and their lives. These people go on to experience a sort of hell on earth, because, the lies never leave. I would equate it to, the same feeling when you're talking to someone, and their telling you this wild story, and yet, your listening to this story thinking this isn't true, this has to be bullshit. Imagine doing that to yourself, on a regular basis. Eventually, you become like an actor, where you play a role. You practice the roll so much, that you have become this character, and their back-story. The character is not real. You are real, not the roll you are assuming, and that's what your life is like, when you begin to lie to the one person, you should never lie to, yourself. When you accept, where you are in your life, and what circumstances, you created to get there, thru actions and decisions, then you get a sense of who you are. There is no roll, only you. You may not like to tell the story, but, at least when you do, it isn't a lie. It is all truth, put into the correct perspective.

Not all of it, will completely be your fault, sometimes we make decisions, as a sort of reaction to something we don't fully understand at that time. That's just a learning process, and something you have to accept. The truth is always there, and if you're lying to yourself, about who you are and how you got to this point, it is a long drawn out process and lie you live with. Lying is a horrible habit, because, soon you lie so much, you believe your own lies. Then you compensate, with arrogance and selfishness, as a defense mechanism, to insulate you from the outside world, that might discover that the bullshit, is not the truth. You're basically running from yourself, and that's insane. I had gone crazy myself, but, a deep evaluation of myself, and my entire life, proved to me that maybe I wasn't a victim. Maybe, I was mad at the world, but, really mad at myself. I didn't and still don't, have to perpetuate whatever has happened to me. I can change. I can be better. I can understand, that regardless of what has happened to me that I couldn't control, and what happened due to my bad decisions, I can still improve. I can improve my situation, and I can improve my life, simply by being honest with myself. The only bullshit that should exist, should be external, not internal.     -  925